PART ONE of THE TALE OF JOHN THE CANADIAN	

by JOSH PYORRE

I was at a party, drinking a lot. I had danced to a lot of disco 
and house music. Most of the people at the party would have hated 
me in highschool. I was standing near the refridgerator talking to
 devin and toho.  This guy comes up and pulls up my right sleeve 
to get a better look at my tattoo without asking. Then he 
interrogates me about my wallet chain.
	"Why do you wear that...what's it for....I mean, look, I 
keep my wallet in my pocket...is it so when someone tries to take 
it..." -he pulls my wallet out of my pocket "...they can't steal 
it...?"
I take my wallet back and he pulls out this crappy litlle plastic
 thing with a few cards in it from his front pocket. 
"Look, I keep my my I.D., and my bank card in here. It's from Bank
 of  'something or other'...I mean, I'm from Canada and we don't 
need to wear things like that. This is all we need..." Devin says
	" The thing about Canada is that southern canada is still 
just northern america. It's really cold."He pauses for a second and 
gets this angry look on his face.  He says,
	" Yeah but, but Canada is like, way more technologically 
advanced than down here in silicon valley-"
	"We're not really in silicon valley", I point out, 
"silicon valley is down that way", I point south, "we're in San 
Francisco."  He continues. 
	"Yeah but in canada, the bank machines are way more 
intelligent than the ones down here.
	"What, are they-- holographic bank machines?", I say.
	"almost...", he says.  He counts off on his fingers as he 
says, "you can  pay your bills, pay for food, you can do all this 
stuff you just can't do here. You can have everything on your bank
statements, you  can pay your heating-"
	"-but you wouldn't have to pay your heating if it wasn't so 
damn cold!", Devin says.  He gets that look again, pauses, and 
continues, 
	"you can pay your food bill-"  
	"Food bill, whats a food bill?", Devin chuckles.  He goes on,
	 "Our health care is far better.  I mean, if you're sick you 
see a doctor and when you get the bill", he pauses for just a second
so we can visualize it, "you send it to the government! You just 
swipe your bank card! You just swipe it!"
"Like, I have to get this operation in a month and it would be free
 in canada, well, my company is going to pay for it, but it would be 
free in canada! You don't have to worry about hose things."  Devin 
pokes my knee with his leg.  He says to devin, " You think I'm 
stupid, but I'm not! I see you nudging him, thinking I am stupid!"
	"I don't think you're stupid", I say, "I'm happy that you 
like your country so much. I like mine, but I believe that  we are 
much more technologically advanced than you are."
	"...But you can pay your bills and get your bank statements-"
	"You can do that here!", I say.  Devin says, "People here 
don't even look at their bank statements.  They don't care."
	"They are all rich", I say, "why would they look at their 
bank statements?"  He presses on, trying to convince us that he is 
worhty of our praise:
 	"Well, in Canada, you'll always have what you need to survive.
We don't have the same kind of homeless that you do here-"
	"They're a lot colder!", Devin says.  He continues, 
	"In Canada you may not make a lot of money, everyone knows 
that you have to come to america to make money, so you have to 
choose what you want. I came here and applied to all the big 
schools", he counts off his fingers, "Princton, Harvard", I cringe
 at hearing these words come from his this frat boy look-alike. They 
flow out of his mouth a little too smoothly.  He continues, " Here 
in america you go to a school for a name but if you go to canada and
say you went to harvard they'll say 'who gives a fuck!' - it's just
a name your getting and it doesn't matter."
	"What school did you go to?", I ask.
	"Oh, I'm done with school!", he says quickly.
	"I work for a company doing architechtural stuff"
	"Retrofitting?", Devin asks.
	"That's exactly what I do...exactly....and you know, if we
didn't have computers we'd be FUCKED.  Computers are completely 
unnecessary. They have nothing to do with my work, but we really 
need them."
	"I'm a smart guy", he says, "I'm working here in america
and I'll make a bunch of money and go back to canada and live the
rest of my life!" Devin leaves.
	"Well that's good for you", I say, "You have your formula.
As long as your happy."  He continues. 
	" My boss is a very smart guy. He knows everything about 
the business. He could tell you anything about it, but he comes to
me and says, "I don't know anything about this internet. It's 
really stupid. I can't see the point in it!"
	"It's very important. You can pay your bills online, you 
know" I say.  He says, 
	"No, not everyone can pay there bills online. Not everyone 
is online. A lot of people don't have computers."
	"there are computers at the library and at schools.", I 
say.
	"but it's not all that great. You can pay everything at
 the ATM's in Canada. You don't have to have a computer to do 
that. Everyone can do it."  
	"Well it's really great that you have your system and 
your country with expensive ATM's. I'm very glad for you." I 
noticeably hear a song that I like, "I HAVE to dance to this song.
It's been wonderful talking to you."  I go and dance and drink 
some more.  Every once in a while, when I'm being goofy and 
dancing, I would see him standing around watching us all dance 
while drinking his beer.  I'm sure he was thinking about how he 
would like to dance but he's too cool.