I had a dream last night.  Something about a man who had canceled his
auto insurance policy, killed his agent and then got into a horrendous
car accident.  He was in court.  The defending lawyer's idea seemed to be to
get the jury to feel so much anger towards the prosecuting lawyer they'd try
to kill him....

[Morning Freewrite]
Pencil's up!  This is the first day of the rest of my life.  Yes?  No?  What
am I doing here?  Am I going to do laundry today?  Yes?  Am I going to spend
the rest of my life here?  No.  Am I a good person or a bad person...
undecided at the moment.  What is it that makes things go the way they go?

What is it about who I am that makes me who I am?  I wish that there was
something that made a little more sense.  I wish I could see the path that I
want to take.... But of course it cannot be given to me, it has to be
something that I discover.  Otherwise I won't take it, will I?

I saw a man in the grocery store yesterday that opened up a carton of eggs and
listened to each one.  It is an image that is staying with me.  I wish I could
write it like this:

The man opens the carton of eggs and holds one to his ear.  Is he checking for
life within?  Is he feeling its coool texture against his ear?  Is he just
curious about its roundness?  He lets it drop and splatter.

Much of my life has been made up of yesterdays.  Of reflections on the past.
And a good portion of my life has been reflections on the future.  Thinking
about what is going to happen,  How I am going to do it.  But what about the
present?  It seems I look away from the present a lot.  When I started this
paragrph, this seemed like a bad thing.  Is it?  Should one look at the
present or is looking to the future okay?  Should the past be worn or
discarded?

The object of a freewrite is to keep on writing for a set time or length.  To
keep on writing and writing because it is there.  Because it gets us out of
the habit of editing what we write as we write it.  Of criticising our own
work and saying this is no good adn getting stuck.  This is what I have been
doing lately.  squashing my own work and tendencies.  I have been inhibiting
myself and keeping myself from doing things that I want.

I went out on the Trail and stopped that somewhat.  I still had roblems with
it, but I was doing something.  Instead of thinking about it, trying out why
and what wouldn't work I was thinking about what would work.  Doing things.

My time is almost up.  Ten minutes was my goal and I am almost there./  Time
to start doing housework now.  Because I have to get this place clean by the
time Aunt Peggy gets home.  It's a shame that FedEx didn't leave my package on
my doorstep.  Oh well, I suppose that it's all for the good.  It means that I
won't have sewing to distract me this weekend.  (Maybe next weekend -)

Maybe tomorrow.  I think the best plan for leaving here is to go south with
Uncle Spencer when he comes up.  Can I manage that and getting to the March
practice hike?  I don't think so.  But I will see what I feel like.
[End Morning freewrite]

Last week I decided that I'm wasting my life here.  I should be out figuring
out who I am since I've decided that that's what my purpose in life is.  I
should be out living more.  Getting away is hard though.  Will it happen?