[Evening Freewrite]
Today was a horrendous day.  I hated quite a bit of it.  Things went wrong
and the whole nine yards.  But I think I've grown some philisophical
maturity.  I was able to let it all go and if not enjoy my day, at least not
get worked up about it.

I received my silk today.  Yay!  I can start making that sleeping bag liner
I've been dreaming about.  I hope that I can make the right stitches and
all.  I bought sewing machine needles and a bunch of pins too.  I wonder if
I'm goingto need anything else... (Hmmm... Maybe a bobbin, now that I think
about it.  Oh well -- we'll be basting it up first, plenty of time to buy
extra things later in the week.)

It's my uncle's birthday today.  I'm not sure what to do about that.  I
never like birthdays.  They're .... hmmm... overrated?  No.  To lonely.
There's no one to share a birthday with.  Aniversaries I think I'd like.
Not sure as I've never had one to celebrate, though.  My parents never made
a big deal out of them....

What do I want from my life?  To hike more?  To figure out why I'm here?  To
decide what practical purpose my life will serve?  To discover love?  Maybe
the last one, but I think it hinges on the former questions somehow
(Although those are far from complete.)  One must love oneself and be
confident in onesself before being able to properly love another.  And where
I am right now, I don't think I properly respect myself.  I;m a grocery
store stock boy with a need to gohike for days without a shower....

I am searching for a companion.  Does anyone want to go hiking with me?  As
long as you want.  I'll be out there for several months.  But I'd be glad of
temporary company as well as permanent ones.

If anyone is reading this that's hiked the AT (especially in 1999), contact
me!  I'd love to hear from you.

You know?  I don't know what to say.  I'm just babbling because that's what
freewrites are for.  But that's okay because I have more room to type.  I
wish I could say something intelligent though.  Maybe I'm trying too hard.
Maybe I'm not trying hard enough.  How am I to tell the difference?

Almost done with this freewrite.  One more minute.  I'm in some ways wishing
that I had longer.  I like freewrites because it's okay to babble.  I have
yet to find that this babbling is leading me to any useful conclusions
though....  Maybe my writing teachers were hoioked into the wrong theory....
[End Evening freewrite.]

"Love must be mad, passionate, ecstasy.  Anything less is a waste of time."

I saw the latter half of a movie in which this was the theme.  A woman who
believes this is madly, passionately in love with a boy who is in a
relationship in which this is not the case.  She wants him.  He wants
stability.  In the end he goes for it.  Takes the lea of faith.  But is it
the right choice?  The movie ends there.

I saw another movie (Forgive me, I have cable for the first itme in my
life.)  which portrayed a man who wanted to leave his wife.  But he felt bad
about doing it so he asked another man to seduce her.  In the end the
husband is unhappy with his new woman.  The wife is happy living her new
life -- with or without the seducer, she claims.  She has become independent
-- he has become dependent upon what might have been.

I have been reading essays on writing and tutoring writing.  I had them in a
course and I wanted to review them because I felt I was forgetting the
details of the material.  What I am writing here is a circular essay.
Instead of announcing where I am going and then reasoning my way there I'm
throwing down highlights around my intended thesis, never wuite hitting
the nail on the head.

My friend Captain (another hiker on the Appalachian Trail) was once
reflecting on love and decided that love was an emotion felt by one person
for another.  And it wasn't being the object of the emotion that really felt
wonderful, but being the victim of it.  To love is joy.  To be loved in
return is a bonus, but not of the same magnitude.

I am still and cold inside.  Not to the extent I was before I hiked the
Trail, but more than I would like.  Feelings are painful but they are
essential to being whole.  I would like to let myself feel again.  I am
holding myself tightly... for fear of hurt.