[Morning freewrite]
Yesterday was a gloomy day of depression.  Odd  that the weather should have
been sunny to inspire that.  I don't know just what it is... I suppose that
I neeed to get out and hike before the depression catches me again.

I don't understand these things -- these random attacks of mood.  I guess
htat's the way these things are.  No rhyme or reason.  Just hapens.  I wish
they'd stop.  I could handle not having them affect me.  That would be fine.

When I get up in the morning.  When I go to sleep at night.  When I move
about my day.  I want to be enthused.  Infused.  I want to pulse with life.
With energy.  Not slow and lethargic and prone to stopping and losing
interest and not being able to go on.  What must I do to get there?

I am wondering what is going on insside of me.

Last time there was a major storm I was unprepared.  Not last, first?  Or is
it that there have only been storms when I am unprepared?  I don't know.
But anyhow.  This is my recovery day.  Recovering from what?  From yesterday
wandering around not being able to do anything.  I need to go and sleep
outside.  Experience the wind and the weather again.  Make this sleeping bag
liner.  Make a tarp.  Then start sleeping out.  Make a pack cover.  Make
some rain pants.  Make the other bag ideas.  Start hiking.  This is a good
plan.  I just have to implement it.  I just have to work it.

What is going on with me?  I ask this question a lot.  Because that's not
the real quesiotn that I want answered.  I want to know if I have a soul.
Are humans mere walking moleculkes?  Chemicals wandering around?  Is our
sentience no more than programmed intelligence?  Or is there something that
animates us beyond our physical reality.  I want to believe that there is
more than mere matter in our being.  But this depression and the world at
large seem to beat on that perception day in and day out.  There is nothing
besides the physical?  Your mood is purely chemicaals (or lack thereof)
floating through your brain, telling you to be a certain way.  Telling you
to do certain things....  I don't know.  I hate not being able to think my
way through this problem and arrive at the solution I want.

Where are we going?  Us.  As humans.  a society.  A collection of societies.
Are we edging towards freedom or repression?  Individuals or agglomeration?
I wonder at our antics.  Monkeys with inflated egos.  Yes, that's us.
[End morning freewrite]