[Morning freewrite]
Everyone is picking up the pace, preparing gor all the relatives about to
descend on this place.  I don't know how things will work.  I don't know
what's going to happen.  But oh well.  Life is as life is.

I am going to have to really start working here.  I have sewing to finish
and a room to clean.  Not too problematic I suppose, just stressful.

I had another stressful dream.  It's amazing to me how so many of the dreams
and such I'm having these days are stressful without being overtly
nightmarish.  There's just a background anxiety to it all.  It's somewhat
like living in a high stress environment (am I in one now?)  There's a lot
of energy floating around in the pool, but not a lot of it easily definable
as coming from somewhere.

I wonder if I'm picking it up from Uncle Ernie and Aunt Peg?  I wonder if
there's a lot of anxiety floating around that isn't mine.  I do pick up on
things like that.  I don't know just how much I believe in the receiver
theory though.

Theoryies.  Freud's theory of Catharsis is wrong, they say.  What value does
it have as a disproved theory?  Much.  Because so many people believed it
for so long, it has influenced the thinking behind a significant body of
work (literature esp.)  To know that something is wrong, we can see it in
things that we thought were okay before.  Chip it out of the foundations.

Where am I going these days?  I have no one.  That is the main thing I
suppose.  I want to have someone to define a purpose for me.  I can do
things but I cannot give myself purpose -- reason for existing.  I am a
seeker, seeking the meaning of existence, but how fulfilling is that?

What is going on?  Where am I going?  What is the meaning of everything?  I
don't know anymore.  I really feel that there's something wrong with me.  I
am much too fluttered.  (It's like flustered and butterflies and kind of
projects a manic manic outlook on a rather bleak existence.)  I am tense
inside.  I feel the every which way pull of ....

I have an atom inside me, \ bouncing back and forth and all around. \
An atom struggling to be free \ escape the molecule that is me.

What am I doing?  What am I doing?  What am I doing?  What am I?

There is a certain somehing to repition.  Establish a pattern.  Then break
it.  That is the way to create things of meaning.  Thought provoking
meaning.  Because the break in patterns is what the mind fixes upon.  What
hte mind perceives most clearly.

I started reading the Diary of Anais Nin yesterday.  She is quite a writer.
Quite a wriuter.  I just dont' know how to do anything with her yet.  I feel
that I need to absorb her whole in order to understand her.  I must see hte
whole of hte work.  The whole of her being.  Anais Nin is the kind of writer
(in her journal) that you can feel is more than a character but a person.

[End Morning freewrite]