[Morning freewrite]
Yesterday was a day filled with gingersnaps, eggrolls, and other cooking
items.  What will today bring?  Hopefully a new tarp.  That's my next sewing
project.  Following which will be a packcover (still not sure how i want to
manage the drawcord on that -- It should be on the top so it's easy to
access when the pack is on the ground, but what sdoues theat mean the bottom
will look like?  Will it be enclosed?  Can I jsut sew them together at a
corner?  Hmmm.....

Where was I in my thoughts before?  WHere am I now?  I am just as lost as
ever.  Like Alice in Wonderland, there is so mych to see around every bend
and break in the forest.  This is the way it goes.  I am fluctuating in my
love and hate of life, though.  Things are up and down depending on the
time.  I have no need of anything yet a need for everything.... These
paradoxes, how do they really mean anyhting?

Let me see.  This freewrite is incoherent, yet going somewhere.  I am
finding it hard to express is all.  There is, on the one hand a certain
bouyancy to being able to go hiking again.  On the other a certain
loneliness that htere's no one to share the experience.  The Circle Group
may remedy this.  But I don't know.  I am something of a loner, looking for
a single companion.  There's a lot of... what?  A lot of need that I am
unwilling to face up to inside of me.  I need people.  But I need them on a
deep and intimate level.  Not social.  Not in the superficial way that we
normally interact with each other.  That's the crux.  The key.  I need a
person or persons to comunicate deeply with.  To breathe in.  To taste.  To
understand the essence of.  And vice versa.  But the only offerings we
usually get in life are superficial.  The few times when we are offered
more, there are other difficulties involed.  (Distance seems to be the one
that I most often encounter.... Although it's becoming more a matter of
lifestyle now.  I like to move.  Most people are more stable.)

This is not as therapeutic as I hope.  I can say things here, but they are
still only a circling.  A telling to myself.  I need something else, someone
else.  I need someone to reflect off of.  So I can see waht is the path and
what is merely the illusion of hte path.  Inaccurate metaphor.  Why does
reflection have anything to do with actually seeing what is around you.  Yet
it is the best I can do for now.

A few more minutes.  Can't let them slip away without filling them.  That's
cheating.  Like setting off to hike the AT and then skipping sections.  But
someday soon I'll set off to hike along hte AT, rather than the AT itself.
Hitting blue blazed trails and side trails and things that are prettier and
just plain different.  Someday I want to explore the other side.  But not
last year.  And not this year.

[End Morning Freewrite]