[Predawn Freewrite]

I woke this morning to a Barred Owl's cry.
Hoo hoo hoo-o-oo
Hoo hoo hoo hoo.

One would think the owl had something to say to me for awaking me.  It seems rather strange that it would bring me to my senses only to desert me once it got me there.  What meaning might I interpret there?  An owl is a symbol to me of mystery and power and predation.  It swoops from above with wicked claws and does what comes natural - catches rodents (or bigger) and carries them away.

The Moon is waning these days.  Two days from full. Its large disc has a meaningful affect on me perhaps.  Or perhaps it is all about me.

Last night I made suggestions to myself.  What has happened to them? Does my waking to an owl have some symbol towards that?  Does my dream only half-remembered have any bearing on the matter?  What were my suggestions?  I recall something of wanting to resonate more with my powerful side than my weak side, but I do not recall what the exact suggestions were.

I am having troubles remembering what I am lately.  I am having troubles remembering what I say, want, do....  Events are beginning to blur.  Why is that?  What is that?  I cannot recall too much.

Do I wish to recall?  Just as I haven't been recalling my dreams well but living them, I wonder if my life is not swinging towards a doing and not a thinking.  I live my life.  If it is boring I forget what was done.  I forget the mundaeities.  I forget the things that are "quiet desperation" rather than true living....

There is much about myself that I don't understand.  That I am coming to understand less about myself is not true yet I am realizing new areas in which I don't understand.  My fear of groups and strangers - I realize a certain panic from seeing them.  It is worse than simply - I actively don't trust them.  People are going to hurt me until I put trust to them.

[End Predawn Freewrite]

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.  What am I going to do in the near and far future?  I want to find spiritual wholeness.  Is this a thing that I should seek now, whole-heartedly?  Or is this something that I must seek little by little?  Or something that I should seek later whole-heartedly?

I feel a headache from lack of sleep.  I read much last night and now I am suffering the consequences.  Too little sleep.  What to do?

This is my last item for a while.  Needing to go to my cousin's wedding is nearing.  Tomorrow the trek begins.  Go to Harrisonburg.  Then take Greyhound somewhere north.  Maybe end up in Philadelphia.  Or Erie.  Or if I'm lucky Williamsport; Mansfield; Wellesoro.

I see nothing at the moment.  My future is dark.  I am refusing to read it?  Perhaps I am refusing or perhaps I am only going to get out of the thinking mode.  Trying not to go to where uncertainty is.

I see something that isn't going on.  I see myself in a turmoil that isn't.  Not really.  There isn't much to go on, but I don't see anything.