[Morning Freewrite]

Needing direction.  I wander through this time of my life peeking through doorways but unwilling to come fully into any of the rooms I see.  What am I looking for?  What is it that I want to find?  Is it just a lack of commitment that keeps me from exploring one of the doorways that is offered to me?  Or am I destined to keep peeking without choosing?  ie:  Is it what I am rather than a mere choice to be made?

I am feeling that not choosing is limiting me.  That I  am unable to seek depth or myself in any meaningful manner because I am unwilling to commit myself to any path.  But I am not wanting to foreclose options and choose one path.  I must stop think of it as an either or type thing.  I must be willing to go down the various paths I see and attempt to find something meaningful at the end.  Choose not blindly, but choose nonetheless.

Where am I going is so difficult a question.  It is so permanent a question.  I need to rephrase the question so that I can see it not as a diamond bright crystal -- not I am going to a good end, a happy end, a ruinous end, an end of meaning; but so that every road is exploration -- every road leads me somewhere.

This question is too hard for me to solve by myself.  Yet I am unwilling to accept help on it.  Nothing that anyone else says makes the same kind of sense.  I do not find myself thinking of jobs that others recommend as something that I would like to do with my life.

Where is the line?  Do I really hate money?  No -- just what it symbolizes.  What does it symbolize?  Security: something that I do want; greed: a trait that we all struggle against; something intangible that my parents bred in me....  I suppose it is akin to hoarding.  To watching grow something immaterial.  Something that has no meaning by itself.  Money is an abstraction of the goods and services you might acquire by spending it.  To hoard money is a fruitless hoarding of an abstraction.

The thought of living with a house in the woods.  Or less than that -- of living with a tent in the woods is an idea I wish to explore.  It is a wonderful idea.  A chance to stop these questions an dstart seeking peace.  Out of peace come answers.  Not the answers to the questions but the answers to the questions below.  No matter how deep our questions, they apply only to the concepts we can describe with our mind.  What is the meaning of life? does not really address the meaning of life; rahter it addresses concepts deeper and broader -- more visceral than "life" or "meaning".  But if we can come to terms with the answers behind these words -- to the answers to the questions behind these words -- we can have a foundation that is powerful enough to give us the answers to our smaller, more limited questions.

How to connect to them, though?  How can we connect to these deeper questoins that are beyond words?  That touch on feelings, the touch and smell centers of the brain?  That permeat us and our surroundings?  That make us all one whole?  How are we able to bring back that understanding that the connection to the deeper level allows us?  How can we forge a path of power between us?

[End Morning Freewrite]