[Evening Freewrite]

I cleaned house today.  Is there something about cleaning house that is
symbolic of what I am internally going through?  I am not sure.  Nothing is
certain any more.  I hate and something this.... Anxious?  I am feeling
anxious and I hate htat?

I am having a feeling of being surrounded by people.  I guess small town is
all relative.  In the Trail community you knew everyone you hiked near.
Here I don't.  There are plenty of strangers in this small town.  A strange
thing, yes?

In the Trail community I felt free to be myself.  Here I know that I am
constrained.  One cannot do everything that one would like but needs to bow
to the wishes of those around him.  I do not know that I like this much....
I know that I do not.

Where am I going?  Where am I going next?

Things are different now that I'm reacclimatizing.  I am not eating much.  I
am letting my appearance go.  Why?  Something about this being in
civilization makes me want to hide.  I am afraid of the world out there.  Is
this something that the Trail has brought out?  Or something htat I have
always had (I think I sense this oculd be true...)  Or something that has
come about for other reasons?  Is there something in my past that makes me
distrust people?  That makes me want to hide, to recluse, to be a hermit far
far away?  I'm not certain, but I know that this spell is beginning to last
too long.

I am going to have to do something soon.  Hike some more.  Write something.
Get a job.  I'm not sure what.  I think I should write, but I do not know
whether that is the right choice.. The honorable choice?  I'm not so much
afraid of w"wasting" a year or so of life as I am of not doing my duty.
Whatever my duty may be....

I cleaned house today.  Mostly vacuuming.  This made me feel good.  About
what?  About helping out.  About getting things in order.  About... I'm not
quite sure.  About doing somthing.  About doing something productive.

Where am I going to go next?  Into some sort of depressive tailspin?  Being
off Trail is not hte best experience I've ever had in my life.  It's not
something I want to keep oding.  I need to find a community that I can
associate with and understand.  But this is hard.  This is very hard.  There
are no people quite like me -- and if there were?  The societies of artists
and dreamers and writers you hear about in an earlier era sound wonderful
but were they?  There is always the allure oft the romantic ages but what is
the reality?  What is the reality for you?  For me?  Where am I going?

This spiritual journey I am constantly escaping from... constantly reminded
that I have to come back to... What is the final verdict of it?  How am I to
approach spirituality in my life?  Perhaps the first thing I have to do is
tell my parents I am not Christian?  Or perhaps that is the last thing tha I
must do?  Perhaps first I should find out who I am?  What mode I wish to
follow?  Or perhaps I want to lead.  To experience for myself rather than
following another's doctrine.....

I rebel against dogma.  Belief isn't purely based on faith.  Not in any
religon that works.  Belief is based on explaining things through your
faith.  God allowed me to do the Trail is a belief that your faith helped
you accomplish something big.  Bigger than yourself.  There are still
miracles -- but they are miracles that we see.... That was rather
incoherent.... The miracles we see are not so much turning water into wine,
but miracles of somewhat ordinary value but taken to extraordinary levels.
We do not see ourselves as being powerful enough to accomplish things on our
own, lucky enough to escape death in all its varied forms -- so we attribute
the successes of our life to something more powerful.

I wish to find that something more powerful inside of myself.  Is this a way
to go?  I wish to allow myself to go on and on and become something more --
I wish to transcend my humanness.  Become one with the divine.  Is that
possible.?  How is that possible? 

[End Evening Freewrite]