[Morning Freewrite]

I sit and wonder where I should go.  I had a dream last night about going
from here to someplace else.  A quiet place.  A trail place (but not on the
trail)  A place that had skiing in the winter and a community of a few close
friends.  I do not know exactly what it was.... The problem may be that I
could see going certain places but I feel a duty when I go.  Or perhaps
there is some other problem.

I am wondering about my life.  My life's direction.  I refuse to commit to
doing things, preferring to keep options open.  That is a part of my nature.
Yet I know that I must commit... Or rather, that I neeed to follow some path
for some time in order to achieve a depth of understanding.... If I can
achieve that then I can go on, but first I must see something.

I feel like a migrant worker.  My home is on the Trail, but there is no
money there.  So I must leave it to find work elsewhere.  But do I
contemplate this work elsewhere as a job or a seasonal occupation or....

Home is on the Trail..   Everyone says welcome home.   In all the many
places that I go, I think I will find that.  But I don't want that.  I am
searching for a home but this isn't it.  Home is where the good friends
comen together to meet and then leave to do other things?  No home is the
spot within close proximity of good friends.  But the place separate from
them.  Home is a retreat and a haven.  It is a place where one can go when
you want to have some measure of control over your surroundings.

I have little control in civilization.  I don't control any place because I
don't own or rent.  If I did would I feel better?  I'm not certain.  There's
something beyond that.... Even if I owned or rented I would still have to
deal with paying for that.  And in paying for it I would need to make money.
In making money I would no longer be in control.  So I could control the
small piece that was my home but could not control the larger area that was
my life to support the home.  Is that what I am searching for?

If I find a job I like.  Then I control what I want in that area.  I am able
to do what I want and merely use the money from it as an excuse -- as a
benefit.  But I must find the job I wish in the area I wish?  Let's focus on
one problem at a time:  What do I want to do for money?  I could see
writing.  I could also stand to hike.  And ski.  And learn.  I could discuss
things of an esoteric nature.  I would be willing to think for a living.
But take me out of my element and I would be unhappy.  Let me be unable to
do things my style and we'd have problems.  I don't want to have my path
set, I want to determine my own way to carve a path.

And am I unwilling to compromise on this?  I don't know.  Perhaps that is a
bad thing.  Or perhaps just a poor choice.  I should allow myself the
freedom to choose differently, not just the strict ways in which I make
things.  But perhaps that is who I am and rahter htan fighting it I need to
learn to deal with it....

[End Morning Freewrite]