[Morning Freewrite]

Order.  I have spent the last five or seven years of my life running away
from order.  Seeking more randomness and disorder in my life.  But it is a
false thing I do.  I thought that I was too controlling of my life.  And
that is why I changed my habits.  But order is  good for me.  On some level.
I am chaotic by nature.  I need order and structure in order to put
everything in a place.  Into perspective.  But I do not want to limit t he
other elements of me either.  Where is balance?  Be not afraid for you will
find balance if you seek.  But you must be willing to seek.

I am sitting here in the morning writing.  Last year I was able to allocate
my mornings to this task.  But this year.  This right now, I am not doing as
well.  I am not as able to allocate a discreet section of time.  Things
happen when they happen.  When I can shove them in.  Not that my schedule is
full.  Just that I am resisting.  What am I resisting?  Why am I resisting
it?  I'm not quite sure.  There is something amiss in my life but I don't
know what it could be as of yet.

I looked up computer web sites yesterday.  One after another -- I made
myself sick.  I do not like computers.  And yet I do.  It is an addiction.
One that I do not entirely want.  One that I am far enough from at the
moment that I can see it, but not so far that I can get away.  I don't need
the newest and best computer.  I just need to be able to get things done.  I
would like to have a computer that I can take with me.  A laptop or smaller
(but still a computer) that I can run linux on.  That has a long battery
life.  But I do not need a fast, fast machine.  I just want to go with the
life I am living.....

Why am I stuck in this rut?  It is a wider than the rut I was stuck in three
years ago.  A whole year cycles before I arrive back where I started.  still
a rut, nonetheless.  I need to do something new.  Something different.  I
need some aspect of myself to change or to change some aspect.  But I am
still searching for the key to this problem.  I am searching for that
spiritual awakening after which everything else will make sense.  Meaning
and clairity.  With those I will know what I can do to shape my life in such
a way that I will like it forever.....

is this wrong of me?  Perhaps I shouldn't look to this to shape my life.
Perhaps I should try to shape my life and then when it runs aground on
something I don't like begin to change from there.  It is muych effort to
reshape one's beliefs though.


A person running out of ideas sits here.  I am slowly beginning to lose my
steam this morning.  What else do I have to say?  Nothing I suppose.  There
is nothing new in my life.  I am merely trying to work throughthe same ol'
shit.  But there is someplace to work towards?   But there is someplace to
go to?  But there is something that I am actively wading through now?  I'm
not sure on any of these counts.

[End Morning Freewrite]