[Morning Freewrite]

I saw a thing in my dream that I wish I could understand.  I've seen many
things in dreams that I wish I could understand.  But there are just so many
things and so little symbology available.  What are things and what are they
not and why can't the dreams give me a primer -- start me off easy because I
am new?

I have been so caught up in dreams lately.... Why not get attached to
something else instead.  Why not get caught up in work or programming or....
But I don't.  I have something else on my mind.  Looking for the divine.....
Always looking for hte divine.

Hello, God, are you there?  Ooops, sorry.  No, didn't mean to intrude.  I
was just looking for the divinity.  You know -- the something bigger and
more than us.  That's all.  I was just trying to find it.  I don't know
where it might be.  It's like I lost it somewhere.  Or perhaps I never had
it -- but I can feel it.  Attached to me somewhere.  But I can't find it
when I look in the mirror.  Where could the divinity be?

Is there something to everything?  Is  there some truth to every religon?
Is there some religon that makes sense?  Is there nothing but questions
left?  I don't know.  There's nothing but dreams left.

Why is it that I cannot find what I'm looking for?  Is it fate?  Is it part
of my mission?  Is it part of what is happening?  Why is it that I cannot
see?  Perhaps the things to see are there and I am just not looking.
Perhaps I just fail to see what it is that I need to see?  Why is it that I
cannot find what I'm looking for -- because I'm unwilling to see the
answers....

I think I need to take the next step.  The next step in what?  In all of my
life.  I am hesitating on the brink.  Perhaps there is a hot spring with
warm mineral water just before me.  And I am dawdling at the edge.  Sticking
my toes in but unwilling to commit my body to it.  I need to step in.
Confidence.  Step step step submerge.  I need to see myself in the wate.  I
need to keep writing, keep dreaming.  Seek out fellow seekers.  I need to do
many things.  I need to find fulfillment.  I can if I seek for it.  I can't
if I just stay still.

I am half-way through this morning's freewrite and I am struggling.  Took
too many days off from freewriting.  I have been writing a dream journal
every morning, but it's not the same.  A dream journal is a recording of an
event.  More like a reporter.  Trying to take down an account of what
happened as well as I can.  This freewriting is an unstoppering of the mind.
A letting of ideas, thoiughts, emotions, and writing pour out.  There is
nothing here to inhibit me.  Whatever comes to mind should be played with.
That is the key.  To freewriting.  Freewriting opens up the mind.  Ties the
critic for a moment and allows one to talk freely.  and then, afterwards,
one can turn loose the critic on the result.  But first one has to see and
seek to create.  Before one can criticize and turn into something better.

Create clay before shaping it into statues.

Where and why and whatfore.  Are these my questions?  Are these the
questions that inform all my writing?  Are these the things that affect
everything that I do?  Are these the things that make me and my writing what
it is?  Is it that I ask these questions?  Implicitly in writing, explicitly
in life?  Is this what drives me?  To find?  And can a seeker find?  Or must
a seeker always seek?  I s there ever an end to the quest?  Or is the quest
the ultimate goal?

I am wondering if I can ever find what it is that I a m looking for.  And I
wonder if it is important that I do.  In this lifetime perhaps not... but I
want to find something.  This cleaved from the things spiritual is getting
to me.  This apart from the world.  This separation between me and the
divine......

[End Morning Freewrite]