[Dream Journal] I had a dream last night that I cannot recall. I think fatigue may inhibit dream recalll. Only the tail end where I was in a car sleeping. Stretched and woke and discovered I was in the driver's seat. People in the car next to me were talking about me so I decided I better pay attention to the driving. I couldn't control the car very well. It seemed to have one speed it wanted to go. Slowing down was next to impossible. The two lanes crunched down into one and I passed a semi because it pulled over to the side (shoulder) to let me by. A girl walked out into the street and I slammed on the brakes. The car didn't seem to slow down but it stopped just before hitting her. I told Michie in the back seat I needed to get something to drink (I craved Dr. Pepper.) I had a hard time braking the car enough to turn into the parking lot for McDonalds. Then I got involved in putting my bicycle safely away in the foyer of McDonalds before walking in... [Dream Journal] [Morning freewrite] This morning I think I am tired. Actually fatigued. The conflict between time and daylight goes on. I have to go to sleep earlier because I am still waking up just after sunrise. Is it the temperature? Or the light itself? I don't know. I've discovered I like night time. And darkness. Voyeur? I like to see and not be seen. Reveal yourself only to peopl you want -- everyone else is held at arms distance... and cannot tell you're there.... What am I doing? Dream interpretation: I've been having several recurring car out of control dreams. What does this say? Is there some message that I should be able to read if I try? 1) Original interpretation was that the dream was about my life being out of control. And I needed to be able to work with it and make it come together. But after this latest dream, I don't think so anymore. If it isn't just my subconscious, but a message of sorts, then it means I should stop worrying about being in control of my life. Others are talking and therefore I am trying to exert control. But the car is driving itself just fine without me (This is the part that's new. Before there was just the out of control car. Now I have a memory of driving and not having the car be out of control -- when I let the car steer itself.) This sems to follow with the notion of living magically. Things will take care of themselves if you let them. Trying to exert control is only something we think we need for security, not something that we actually do. And that is a long ramble about my dream. Do I really believe that? I'm not sure. It has struck me this morning. I'll have to review my past car-dream notes. And decide? Maybe or maybe still amassing evidence. It is strange that I haven't had a flying dream in a while -- instead, I'm having car dreams.... Flying dreams I always took as freedom dreams. Being away from the responsibilities that tie one down. so these car dreams are showing that I'm attempting to tie myself down to something -- but I'm not there yet. I'm still outside of the responsibility sphere. If I can manage to keep going everything will turn out well just as flying dreams do... Perhaps. Is this a good interpretation? I always come up with two and the original seems to have merit -- but in the opposite direction. Perhaps it's that I can see that the car-dream is a decision point. There are two aspects of my life -- me as driver, and the car. Should I fight the car, hoping to pull into accordance with what I want? Or let the car continue driving as I hope it knows what it's doing? I have to trust something... either way. Have been thinking of people in my past again. Right now it's Darth. I never got to know Darth as well as I'd have liked. The whole Eric thing. But I suppose in a different light, what else could she do? Lord give us the courage to change the things we can, the accept the things we can't, and the wisdom to know the difference (The missing word is patience I think). And so what? If someone loves you and you don't return it as strongly or in the same sense, you just have to accept it. It won't change. It won't whatever. Who am I in terms of acceptance and love? I felt love maybe once in my life Cliff! (He asked me that when I stayed with him.) Am I now running from it? I find that the nature of my first one was to feel intense emotion that I felt could never be satisfied. And so I chose to squelch it. Dampen it. Attempt to cut it from my body and throw it as a never happen. But Captain last year told me that love is not something shared, but something that one person feels for another. And so the fact that she may not ever love me in return should not be felt that way. and the fact that I cut this from my body is wrong. Perhaps I have stopped the feelings of love since then. Perhaps I am struggling to regain something I have lost. Perhaps something special that I am seeking is to be at peace with my need to love -- with my ability to love. I can love peeple well. But I seldom let the feelings get to big. Too overwhelming. [End Morning Freewrite] I think I need to explore this new thought: of needing to stop listening to others and convention and instead explore the concept of love esp. as it relates to me. And how my first love has affected my ability to love in the fuure. [Evening Reflections] I've sent out feelers into the world. Trying to connect with people from the past. Thinking of them. Not quite sure of who it is I am and was and what it is I'm trying to connect to. Do you know? I don't understand myself. But I am looking. As last year I felt I had to find Chanti and her family to thank them for organizing peer counseling. This year I've got to thank Darth. Sometime I have to tell Jessica I'm sorry. I never got to know who people were. Something I need to rectify -- have worked on rectifying. I am tired and that's why I'm spilling this to the world. But ah well. So my feelers are out. Trying to invade the world. Trying to make things happen. Trying to grasp the magic of people. Why did we never connect -- because I never let us. And so I want to say I'm sorry. That's the way things are and so.... [End Evening reflections]