[Morning Freewrite]

This morning I wake from a dream that is just beyond my reach.  I need to
sleep more.  Relax more.  I can feel it in my face.  There is a certain
little tension in my muscles somewhere above my jaw.  It is impossible to
find it exactly it is in the soft part of my cheek I think.

Where are we going?  Where am I going?  Why?  I have no answer but to
continue to look to the past and the present is.... I perhaps look too
little to the present, always living in the past ad future.  When I was
younger I lived more in the past.  I was more productive as a writer then.
But now I have been trying to get away from that because it is useless to
dwell in the past.  But then the future?  I look into the future and am
dazzled by too many possibilities.

The present.  Buddhism says  to dwell in the present moment.  What does this
mean?  Is this helpful?  Be aware of the present?  Live in the present?
Bring your analysis of the past, your sight of the future closer and closer
to the present.  Inch it back to almost touching.  Read the infinite in a
single moment.  Read teh singular there as well.  The path to the past is
defined as a single unswerving way.  The path to the future has an infinite
number of choices.  The present is the touchstone of both.  I am beginning
to understand this, but it does nothing for me yet.

Where am I going?  I went to see Baachan yesterday but she wasn't out in the
front room so I couldn't talk to her.  I want to ask her about Buddhism.  I
don't know if she'll talk or not.   She is amazingly direct and indirect at
the same time.  I think she listens only to direct things.  But talks in
indirect manners.  It is impolite to say no?  To tell people what to do?  So
you do in an andirect fashion that their supposed to pick up on.  At the
same time I have made hints tha I want to know about Buddhism and she hasn't
shown an interest.  Why? Why?  Why?

There is room here for something new to occur but I don't know what.  There
is room in htis space for things to change.  Where are we going?  Where are
things going?  Where am I going?  I think there is something in me that
calls to create and something that calls to be still/  There is action and
meditation within my sould and both are willing to step forward and fight
the other.  There is no happiness in this lifetime of utter and complete
nature.  But there is much learning and exploring to be done.  I shall find
the battlefields of my soul even if I cannot resolve the battles.

Where is this metaphysial voice of mine going to take me?  I  cannot think
that it would be good.  I can not see that htere is anything that makes
sense.  Who am I?  Who am I to be able to write?  Who amI to Question Who I
am... Need to write that in under the high school page.  such a silly little
thing.... are we the only ones able to question ourselves or are the only
ones unable to quesition oourselves?

Am I looking for me?  Or looking for truth?  Or what?  I am looking for
fulfillment which is an inner thing.  A feeling.  But isn't a feeling
usually a symptom of something else?  Soemthing you use to  prove that
something is or is not?  Isn't a feeling something that you use to judge
something else's accuracy, not to find your own roots?  Your own myths....

There is nothing that makes snese.  And yet everything makes sense.  It
isn't an order in the way that I have been thinking, but there is something
there that is not without reason... MayhapI just am unable to understand the
reason and its ability to influence what is htere.  And thuis I am able to
perceive it only when I am not concentrating too hard upon it.  And then
when I am willing to do that I am not satisfied because I cannot then focus
upon both at once....

[End Morning Freewrite]