[Morning Freewrite]

A soggy feeling.  Inside I feel that I am melting.  I feel that I am not
able to keep going.  There is somethign lost that I cannot find.  is this
love?

Love is such a bad feeling.  Ecstactic badness.  It fills  you with joy at
times and throws you down at others.  Have I spent much of my life trying to
keep it at bay?  I do not know.  I should think about this and so I shall.
Jessica I saw as a beautiful intelligent nonconformist girl.  I liked her
for those reasons.  i liked her because she smiled at me.  I liked her
because I saw in her something more than I was while being something like me
-- something I could aspire to become.  should I continue on that path?
Looking for people I want to be?  That is a separate question....

So I loved her.  Was in love with her.  My first major crush.  You know?
And so....  What happened to me -- I found her unattainable.  She had a boy.
I couldn't get close enough.  Yet I danced closer.  And so?  Well -- after
all is said and done what happened next is that I decided to shut off my
feelings for her.  There is something that never needs and shouldn't be
and... I decided that there was a big feeling of me that shouldn't go on.  I
cut off a bit of my love because I feltt it hopeless.  Practicality.  Yes?
This hurts.  To talk about.  Because I am admitting that I still love her.
Even knowing that I don't know her all that well -- that there still is no
hope.  Even knowing so many things, I still feel for her.

Is it strange?  I don't believe in one true love, but I do believe in truer
love.  In love for people that that means more than the love of other
people.  Why is it that Jessica should be such a one?  Because of who she
is?  Or because of how I let myself feel?  And the question whose answer
lies partially in that is is it okay?  Should I allow myself to love those
that are unattainable or only those that are within reach?

A learning experience.  But what does it mean?  What lesson shoulkd be drawn
from it?  The first time I looked at it I decided that practical should be
better than impractical.  That people need to understand each other.  That I
needed to understand her.  as I get older, what I?  Do I learn a different
lesson?

Captain said Love is inside one person.  One person feels it.  Others can
have the same feeling in return, but love is a feeling you have.  And it is
a good feeling whether the other feels it or not.  This seems true to me.
And if it is true, then what I did was wrong.  Don't stop loving a person
because of unattainability -- modify your actions, perhaps, but realize that
you're able to live in love without having it returned.  That the pursuit of
that feeling of love is okay despite not having it.

What is the line between being in love with love and simply realizing that
love is a great emotion?  Don't pursue a person to be in love.... Don't try
to make love something that it is not -- don't think that love means
something.  Love is a feeling.  Love does not hold out the promise that
everything will work out.  You can try.  Perhaps you should try.  But it is
not perfect.  There are flaws.  There are things that could be true or might
not be true.  What can happen from this?  Where can this go?

[End Morning Freewrite]