[Morning Freewrite]

I dreamed again.  A long and involved dream.  I think that I shold be doing
something with my dreams now.  I have amassed a large number of them.  It is
time to start working with them rather than just letting them accumulate.  I
need to start making my dreams into something.  Start interpretting.  On
trying to see through the surface levels into their insides.  Their
meanings.

Where am I going with this?  Is this my new spirituality?  To read dreams?
Perhaps.  And perhaps further.  Right now, at this instant, I see only some
part of the total picture -- of me, of others.  Later I shall see more.  I
must try to find more.  The more.  The entirety.  This is important to me.

There was an Asimov story about penicillin once.  About humans being an
experiment.  And their petri dish was ringed by penicilliln.  So they would
not escape.  But the experiment was about to end.  And so no one of
brilliance was allowed to interefere with the penicillin, to find its
nature.  When someone was especially brilliant in a way that sought to
thwart the boundaries of the experiment they decided to commit suicide.  And
so?  And so is there something about me that seeks to not exceed the
boundaries of my experiment?  That I am self limiting?

Are we perhaps all self limiting?  We live the lives that we mean to live
rather than the lives we could?  Do we find we are unable to go beyond
ourselves?  Do we fail to move to another new level because we don't want
to?  Do I want to?

I have thought in the past few months that I am having too much fun here to
go on.  But I am trying too find myself at least one step further.  I want
to find a true path even if I don't take it.  Or taking it, not progress all
the way to the end.

But is this me?  Is this what I truly want?  Would I be willing to make
sacrifices to get somewhere?  Perhaps that is the key -- how many sacrifices
are you willing to make to get where?  I do not know the answer to that.  I
do not know.

Does one lie, cheat, steal?  To make themselves more attractive?  Or less?
Are there two sides to that?  It seems that as a child you do those for the
positive benefits.  But as we get older, tthere is sometimes the tendency to
do them as self-destructive entities.  We lie, cheat, and steal so that we
are less attractive.  To punish ourselves.  To prevent ourselves from rising
above who we are.

There is something that I need to do.  To focus upon in order to progress.
It may be big or it may be small, but I have to do it.  I have to progress.
I have to move.  I have to keep moving.  There is nothing else for it, but
to go?

This going.  This going that I am in love with.  Is it a going of monumental
proportions?  Of actual physicallity?  Or merely a shift in foundations?  Do
I really men I have to change when I speak of having to change?  Having to
move?  Change and movement... linked; the same?

Two minutes remain on this freewrite and I'd like to observe that I have so
far managed to speak of the same subject the whole length.  No moving around
to other subjects.  No moving within the subject.  Statement of fact.  No
change.  No move.  No from fact to interprettation.  Many questions but I
have not been willing to jump out on a limb and decide what I am doing.
There's not much there in the way of movement.

Perhaps that's what's missing from my writing these days.  Lack of movement.
People aren't moving, developing, growing.  THey're purchased full grown and
expected to survive as they are.  No change.

Even romances have change.  Usually the male and female leads start off
disliking each other and then they go forth and change.  Go forth and start
liking each other instead.  Interaction makes the heart grow fonder?

[End morning Freewrite]