[Morning Freewrite]

The dog has found a new place to sleep as I sit at the computer.  On the
chair in this room.  The arm chair.  Behind me I hear her snuffling every
now and again.

What is it that makes me who I am?  Is it the waywardness?  I don't hink so.
Talked with my father on the phone just now.  It seems that there's
something or nothing that makes sense.  Something makes sense.  The settled
life they lead is good.  I wonder if I am ready for a settled life?  If I
want a settled life?  Do I long for a settled life?  In some ways, but in
others all I cn think about is the moving life.

Depends on mood I suppose.  Today is one for settled.  Tomorrow is one for
being out and away.  Time to see soemthing.  Time to go somewhere.  Time to
see.

I want something that is both settled and unsettled.  Places to come back
to, yet being able to move much.  There is something to being able to move
yet knowing you have friends to come home to when you need them.  I don't
know.  How is life?  I don't know.

There is something that makes no senwe in me.  But I don't know what it is.
I wish I knew.  I wish there was something about me that meant a little
more.  A little more direction.  A little more driven.  But then it is out
of your hands, is it not?  Then it isn't you but someone else?  It isn't me
but something else?  When being driven you aren't you acting on your own
will you are being acted upon by whatever impulse is driving you.  But how
then do you sustain an effort to get somewhere when you aren't being driven?
How do you sustain a motivation?

What you like?  But not happiness.... I found last night that happiness
isn't all that is necessary... After thought, much thought, I've decided
that people seek happiness too much.  The easy way.  It is better to seek
something more material than happiness.  Happiness is something that is
created -- a feel-good feeling.  It isn't something that has meaning.  What
is meaning?  What has meaning?

I'm not certain.  Something that has more tangibleness than happiness should
transcend mood.  Instead of by whim of fate or time we find ourselves happy
or unhappy, instead we need to find something that makes sense all around.
Something that when I go from hither to yon continues to make sense.  That
won't be affected by outside influences, but by internal influences only.

I'm not seeking stability, I am seeking a  foundation.  Like earthquake safe
sky scrappers, I need a foundation but I also need to sway in the breeze.  I
need to be able to move but know that I have roots somewhere.  Not a tree
but a blade of grass....

Three minutes left  to write.  To fill.  Today it is fill.  Why is that?
Somedays I am excited and filled with ideas that I may not be able to voice,
but are there nonetheless, today my fingers are dragging across the
keyboard.  I am not quite ready to write.  To express.  Today I am more
restrained.  I do not have the full force of myself here.

There is snow outside.  Enough snow to go skiing.  Today I can go.  If I
need to.  If I want to.  If I could.

One minute.  Watching clocks?  Make time count rather than count time.  Who
said that?  Is it real?  Is it important?  I don't know.  It's a nice little
movement of words.  Perhaps all great thoughts can be distilled to simple
movements of words.... I wonder...
[End Morning Freewrite]