[Night Write]
Is anyone reading these things?  Is anyone sharing in the experience of being me?  If so, read my note of quiet desperation.  I am alone.

And in some ways I choose this.  I am a loner.  But I seek understanding and companionship also.  I do not want to be surrounded by friends -- I simply want to have a few intimates.  People that are willing to live with me as I live with them.  To live for me and I for them?  Which is the more important element of that statement?  To have someone live for you or to live for someone?  To have a goal in life, so simple, really -- or to have devotion.  I tend to think the former.

So I want a companion so that I can live with someone.  Have someone as my companion.  Do things for someone else.  And also....

I want to be heard.  And understood.  If sight is the sense that I think is overused in my thinking too much lately, perhaps sound is the sense that is too underused.  I want to communicate.  And I want someone to reach out to me and communicate back.  Would you communicate back?

I am nothing.  I am something?  I have nothing.  Nothing important.  Friends, family, support, but I am not fulfilled, not on a path toward completion, don't have something worth living for.  I am a machine whether I acknowledge it or not.  I am not living with a purpose, but living because I have been set here living.

Stopping work is not going to help.  Stopping anything is not going to help.  I have to go beyond that.  I have to find something worth living for.  Something somewhere.

I saw a reasonable horror movie tonight -- Carrie2 the Rage.  Why is it reasonable?  It was written by an outsider or loner about loners.  Not just an outsider vs insider -- true loners.  But what have they?  What do true loners have?  There is nothing there for them?

I don't know.  This is what?  Anything?  Something?  Nothing?  I found in this movie a kindred spirit.  Or two.  But which am I?  Am I a Rachel come in out of the cold?  a loner with a friend who floats and finally finds myself beginning to find other loners?  Or am I a loner on the inside -- surrounded by people who is struggling and seeking to get out?  Out of it?  Away from everyone?  Who finds a loner nonetheless.

Is seeking a loner nonetheless.  i am a person without anything but am looking for something.  There is within me an element that is lacking.  And beyond that?  Where is my self?
[End Night Write]