[Morning Freewrite]

Greetings world!

I am up and moving nad not writing but istead programming.  This bothers me
much.  Tom says that perhaps I just feel like  I should be doing something
else.  That rather than not doing computers I just feel that I shouldn't be
doing computers.  If I could get over that I'd be fine.

Perhaps there is something of the guilt in me.  There is som much world out
there to experience -- I'm wasting time in front of a terminal instead.  Is
this good?  Is this good?

I'm creating things with this terminal, though.  Useful things.  Is this a
bad thing?  I'm not certain.  It could be good.  There's much about it that
is good.  I am creating useful widgets.  But they are jsut widgets.  The
path to enlightenment is strewn with widgets that people have discovered
they can do without...

I know that there's more to life than hedonism.  There's more than enjoyment
or happiness.  But I am unable to find  out exactly what it is that I am
looking for.  Do you know?  I don't know.  There's something out there?
There's nothing out there?  Is there something that I want out there?  I
don't know exactly.

Where to look?  Where to begin looking?  Where to end looknig?  Perhaps I
need to stop looknig and start listening, feeling, using other senses
besides sight.  Besides exploring with my mind.  Awareness, consciousness.
Explore with other aspects of that.... How does the object feel?

I have flashes of intuition with feelings moreso than with sight.  So
perhaps I should go with that.  Go with that?  I think perhaps I should.  I
don't know.  Does it feel natural metal artificial (plastic?) earthy?  Like
wood?  Smooth, retain warmth, soft?  There's a lot of (a wide range) of
things that (attributes) that we are able to determine from touch.  Witness
Linus Pauling fiuging out what shape was in the sealed box by letting the
object roll around inside.  You can determine so much.  But you have to be
able to go with it -- not hold back.

Where is it that I am going.  With emotions?  I don't know.

There is much in the way of symbols in our life.  And layout and patterns.
We don't aknowledge them -- they lay below our conscious thought.  But they
are there.  For instance, how do I perceive my book right now?  As a
computer screen with three pages in the upper left hand corner.  A vast
expanse of white screen waits to be filled elow those pages.  An
overwhelming task?  In some ways yes.  What goes there I do not know yet.

There is something to be wondered?  I usually like writing best in second
person.  Because it brings you closer.  You can touch each other.  You can
do things that I cannot.  You can feel things. You can do so much.  You see?
You is a wonderful voice.  But how can I use it?  In a first person or third
person setting?  Perhaps that's what I should do.  Rewrite the book (so
little to rewrite compared to what is left to write) in you format.  The
you.  You do this.  I see you doing this.  You move around.  You this that
and the other.  But how do I merge together the pieces and characters that
way?  Perhaps by books.  Perhaps I can make the first book you in terms of
Byron.  The second as you in terms of The Lyricist.  And the third as You in
terms of Darth.

Or perhaps I should just start with the you in the three interim chapters
and let them expand from there.  Who cares?  The you will emerge eventually.
The you must emerge.  There is nothing else but you in my voice.

Does this mean something?  Writing you books -- amI :
Part of other people much?  Taking their place within my mind to see how
they work?  -- Or to see how I work in relation to  them?  Or to look for
patterns that might identify with parts of me?  Do I take my sould from
others?  Give myself identity based on what others are?

[End morning freewrite]