[Four o'clock freewrite]
This is what I am writing.  I am writing nothing.

I wish this to change.  I am getting burned out on system administrative tasks.  I need to stop and regroup and do more writing.  Is this an appeal to left and right?  To the creation and then to the logical?  Or perhaps I am just tired of sitting in front of a computer?  Or perhaps I am tired of not constructing words and towers.

There was a dream last night that I can barely remember.  There was a time this morning when I remembered quite a lot of it.  Why am I ignoring these thigns?  Not writing these things down?  Not thinking more of them?  Why?

I feel that I am not giving myself much chance to progress here.  I am stuck.  Stuck within what?  Stuck within a certain pattern of doing or not doing.  Perhaps?  Perhaps I am stuck with the inability ot go on and find myself another thing.  Another what?  Another purpose?  Am I disenfranchised?

I feel I do not belong in many ways.  To what?  To what I see around me.  I do not belong.  I am outside of it.  Do I crave t obe within?  To bring others outside?  With me.  Or to find myself more alone.  A space where it is accepted to be alone?

I am not sure of much.  I think I am looking for a way to be alone and yet have a nother with me.  That is what I have chanted to myself for several long years.  Is it not?  To not quite be alone.  Not quite be apart.  Not quite... .To find someoe else.

The story of the woman and the man who put up Zeus and Hermes without knowing it and asked as their reward to be allowed to be together always -- growing into two trees instead of dieing.

Whree is that romanticism?  Do we have it anymore?  Should we have it anymore?  Or is it that we no longer need it?  No longer nurtutre it?  Do we no longer nurture it for a reason?  Is there a good reason?  Should we be this way... this cynical?  Or not?

How have we protrayed ourselves throughout time?  How have we been?  Is it perhaps to be hoped for on the one hand and how we are on the other... But we should continue to strive?  If throughout history we have always denoted a thing called love that is tremendous and good.  If we have always asked for happy endings, is it perhaps better that we do?  Is it perhaps morerealistic to believe that htis is an ideal that we should continue to strive for rather than stopping and saying it's not realistic to try for that, I'll never achieve it?

Are we striving for things as part of our nature as human beings?  To deny the ability to strive for things is to deny a piece of ourselves rather than to face reality.  We make things happen by facing away from reality and bringing back when ew turn around whatever we can.

I hate the things my mother taught me.  And the things that so much has been taught to me.  The cynicism and the practicality and the realism.  Realism is baloney.  I hate it.  There's something more.  Something else.  Something beyond.  I wish to see something more than this for me.  There must be something more for me to see.  Can you see it?  Can I see it?  Can anyone see it?  What is more than what we are.

I believe in miracles.  But I don't believe in miracles.  I ahve to transcend.  I have to go beyond science into magic.  What is magic?  Sgnificantly high technology.  Or -- something that can be known via empirical evidence only.  I do this and then this other thing happens.  But when someone else does this it doesn't work.  I know that I cause something to happen but I don't know how.  The cause is I wave my arms the effect is flame starts in the fireplace.  But how are the two related?  This is magic.  If we have the button in our hands that lights the propane, then it isn't magic.  Is it magic to someone that doesn't know about the propane?

[End 4 o'clock freewrite]