[Afternoon Freewrite]
It has been quite a while since I've written a freewrite.  Why?  Or why now?   Yesterday Deanna wrote me and I took something from it that I should or should not have.  Acceptance.  This is peace.  And right now I am lacking in it.  I am taking life and trying to make it conform to me instead of bending myself to life.  I need to wrap myself into life instead of letting myself continue to strive against it.

But this also means standing out side of life rather than inside of it.  If I continue to live within life and be pushed around by its stream I cannot see what there is to accept.  Things are too immediate and personal.  There are things that I think I need to find outside.  The things outside... What outside?  I need to look for myself outside.  I need to find a vantage point from which I can see many things within.

There is nothing wuite so envigorating as being able to see.  And yet it is not envigorating.  Imagine a cool dark pond.  A still pool.  A cave pool perhaps.  And you stand over it, looking in.  It shimmers and glistens like a snake but it does not move.  It is glossy but it makes no motion.  Everything within the crystal pool is there within the pool..... The pool is whole in itself.  A drop of water descends upon the pool and you can see it hit the surface ripple out.  A single drop of water.  And you can see all cause and effect that springs forth from it.

To stand outside is to see everything in it's perfection (as in finished state).  Even though we live within and see things unfinished, living outside we see how everything is.  Above and beyond striving to be or needing to become.  There is much that living outside makes possible.

But living ouside also means giving up.  Sacrifice.  No longer do we see the world from a singular vantage point within -- live it through a set of senses.  Instead we stop exzperiencing it directly in some ways.  We haver to separate ourselves in order to embrace a fuller thing.  Like concentrating on one thing or a whole.  (It is concentrating on one thing or a whole.)  Do you wish your lover to kiss and fondle and suckle your left nipple only?  Or should the love take you in your entirety to love and hold and comfort?  There is something about the whole the whole the whole that is grand.... But at the same time, there is soomething grand about the parts.

When are we willing to give one up for the other?  When do we have to?  Can we find balance?  Or is finding a balance between peace and not peace, between chaos and order, between everthing seeking staticity?  Seeking something that is not real?  Seeking out???  What is balance?  It is not clairity or enlightenment or acceptance.  But balance is the sense of epihany.  Because epiphany in epiphany we seem to stand on top of a precipice.  A pyramid,   And we can lok out over the land to the east and west.  But to lose balance we begin to descend one side or the other faster and faster until we come once more against the bottom.

Balance is static.  But it is full of potential.  Balcance is being on the top and ready to rush down in all directions but once done, we find that we have lost what gave us power on that balance point.

[End afternoon freewrite]