[Morning Freewrite] I feel as though I have died. But I do not know when. As though pieces of me were scattered but I do not know where. I think that I have a feelig of left behind or left out or just being detached right now. A numbness and a flowing over. I am buried beneath a wave of goings -- other people lead active lives, I lead a passive one. I am not moving I am burie3d. I am stuck. I am held. I am isolated. I am alone. This is something that I feel. Something that I a unabel to reconcile. Something that chills or empties me to my bones. I am without myself. I am without. I am outside. Empty. Again I say empty. I do not want to associate. I need time alone. What is the trigger for this? Christamas? Or family? Or my sister's marriage? I do not know. Or perhaps there is simply a feeling of aloneness. And I am alone and unable to combat that feeling? How alone am I? What makes me alone? Why am I alone? What could I do to make it better? What possibilities await me? Can cure me? Or temporize the symptoms? What hope do I have? What is there for me? Why do I seek? How can I seek further? How am I able to continue to seek or not to seek or simply to live? Is there anything for me? IS there something for me? What is for me? I want to live. I want to live. But I do not find much to live through right now. THere is not much to pull me forward. There is much to hold me back. I need to go on. I need to find something that will enable me to go on. Something to drive me. Something to give meaning. What could do that? What could give me meaning? What is there? I think that I should find myself a person. A companion. As a companion will give purpose to my life. Yet i am stuck at the moment -- is this good? To give myself purpose thorough someone else? Is it right? Do I feel scared by this or am I paralyzed? Should I seek within myself? Cna I? Where am I going? The swirl is intense right now. I cannot feel -- I am overloaded with feelings. I cannot hold onto self I am coming apart. I do not know where I am I do not know who I am. There is something. THere is nothing. I am tired. I have no energy for anything. No talk is within me. I cannot find myself. THere is no tlove within me right now.. Where has it gone? Why am I so devoid of ability ot feel. Is it not essential for me to feed upon my emotions -- are they not the energy that makes me go? Then where are they? Where have I gone? What is wrong with me now? Where am I? Why do my eyes yet burn? My mouth not move? I cannot talk I cannot think? I am consumed by apathy? Or hurt. Perhaps hurt. I feel hurt and cannot explain or find a way through it. My vision is occluded. I am unable to get out of this mist. I feel the cobwebs around me. And there is a fear in them. A fear to move. A fear to get bitten. A fear to get dirty, dtuck left, loved. I fear the entanglements of the webs. But I feel there is osmething that may be worthwhile outside of them through them but right now at this instant, I cannot feel confident of that because I do not want it enough. I am pushing it away so that I can stay within my cobwebs instead of moving out. Out out out. I cannot focus. There is a deep within me a deep emptiness. A despair..... I cannot hold onto the tenuos threads of love or happiness. I cna only feel disconnection. I can only feel alone. Why? Where has this come from to rise up and hold me in its grip? Why now? How can I escape? Who may lead me? There is deadness and emptiness within. There is tiredness and a need for rest. Every happy word from others separates me from them. I am apart. Living within a gray world while they live in a yellow one. I need to escape but I don't know how. My world surrounds me and I cannot find a colour to lead me out. [End Morning Freewrite] Perhaps part of it is that my younger sister getting married is an acknowledgement of time. And of my failure to keep up with it. I am growing older but I am not progressing. I am not growing in the body of my experiences. I am stagnating.